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It Happened To Me

I am a twenty year old female, and I have lived in Naperville all of my life. I had a normal childhood, playing with Barbies, stuffed animals and playing and sometimes fighting with my brothers and sisters like every little kid does.

When I was about 12 or 13 years old I found "independence" and started going out with friends and experiencing new things. I started hanging out in downtown Naperville at the Riverwalk (where my parents didn't want me to be) and got involved with the "wrong crowd." I started smoking cigarettes, weed, and drinking a lot of alcohol. When teachers and parents say that cigarettes and alcohol are "gateway drugs" they have never been more right, because when those things started to bore me, I started looking into other sorts of enjoyment. Mushrooms, acid, cocaine, meth and glass became weekly and even daily routines. I was so wrapped up in getting high that I started lying and continually going places my parents asked me not to go.

That was when I got into the rave scene. I am not going to cut down on the party scene at all, because I will always be a "partee kidd," but I realize now that there are more reasons to go to parties than to get high. That was the beginning of my Ecstasy binges. I remember the first time I ate Ecstasy at a party. It was the best time of my life. I remember saying to myself, "I want to do this every day, all day, for the rest of my life." It was so lovable and people would rub my back and they were so nice to me! I didn't have a care in the world...until I started coming down. Then it was time to eat more pills. No matter how many of them I ate in a night, I could never get the same feeling I had after that first one.

The feelings you have the day after you roll are probably some of the worst I have ever felt. I was cranky, tired, "cracked out" and had unexplainable feelings of sadness. But those feelings would all go away whenever I ate another pill. That is why they become so addicting. It isn't a physical addiction, it is an addiction to the feelings you get. After a couple of months of partying all the time with Ecstasy, I couldn't even "roll off" one pill. So, that led up to me eating 6 or 7 every weekend. It took a horrible toll on my body and mind.

I haven't eaten Ecstasy in a long time, but I continue to feel the effects of it every day. I get depressed very easily, and my memory is completely shot. The sad thing is that I don't even really remember being a little girl. I remember bits and pieces of growing up, but it is very hard for me to pinpoint certain events in my life.

I think the one thing that really opened my eves to how horrible this drug is, was when my friend Sara died. She thought she knew what she was getting when she ate those pills, just like I thought I knew what I was getting every time I ate one. The last time I saw Sara was at a party, and she was "rolling." A couple of weeks later, she overdosed and I never saw her again. People don't realize how bad it is for your body and mind when you just pop one in your mouth. When you're on drugs that make you feel as good as this, it comes to a point when you just don't care anymore.

I took every moment I had with my family for granted. I will never do that ever again. I think one of the things I most regret is I can't remember the last time I saw my Grandpa. On his very last birthday, my entire family went to his house to celebrate. I told my parents that I had my friend's birthday party to go to and never showed up at my Grandparent's house. Instead, I went out with my friends and got high. My Papa ended up in the hospital with cancer and I never even went to visit him in the hospital. A couple of weeks later, he died. After he died, my mom confronted me and asked me if I was using drugs. I looked my mother in the eyes and swore on my Grandfather's grave that I was not using. If I could take one thing back that I said, it would be that. It's pretty scary what sorts of things I did to continue using and the lies I told. It took a long time for my parents to trust me again, and it was not an easy thing to do.

I usually get asked the question, "Why did you do those things?" My answer to that is, "I don't know." I'm sure there are many factors that led to my using, like my mom going back to school and work when I was little. When I came home from school, I didn't have anyone there to talk to because my parents were at work. I think it is so important for parents to have an open relationship with their children. I am not trying to blame this on my parents at all, but I also want everyone to know how important it is to start talking to your kids. There was a time when I probably didn't say more than two words to my sister in a month. She was so hurt because of what I was doing to my family that she couldn't even talk to me. I obviously couldn't see she was hurting, and to be honest with you, I don't think I really cared at the time. My sister and I are so close now and she is one of my best friends.

It is so hard for me to comprehend why I continued to do those things, but all I know is that I will never go back to the way I was. The reason I came forward with my story is because I don't want what I went through to happen to another family. Even if my story helps only one person, it will make everything I have gone through worthwhile.

Thankful to be Alive

This is written in remembrance of Sara and dedicated to my parents and family for all the struggles we went through together.

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